been a while, i think, since i’ve written so frankly. i think that despite being so adamant that i’m all heart on sleeve, being self conscious and aware of my existence has not escaped me. i’m aware a couple hundred of people have their eyes on me online at any given time. it may not seem like a lot in the grand scheme of things, but think about having 300, 400, even 500 people in a room with you, listening to you ramble. it’s weird. i think i find that weird sometimes, even though i try not to think about that. but that’s not the point. kinda. it’s overwhelming. i think i’m overwhelmed. not just now but always. and i’m usually ok at dealing with that, but i think i need to not deal with that at all for a bit.

i feel as though i’ve been watching myself from the outside lately. never really quite feeling like myself but also feeling more like myself than i have maybe ever. and regardless of where i am on this spectrum, i don’t think i’ve been able to express either very well. and i’m sorry to all my pals who have tried to have a normal conversation with me lately. i’m leaving week long gaps between messages, saying almost nothing or sharing entirely too much all at once. there’s no balance.

but that’s not the point either, i don’t think. or it also kind of is? this whole heart on sleeve, being vulnerable thing is weird. weird to try and vocalize all of this. what’s the point though? if social media is all about the best parts of yourself, what does this accomplish? or if it’s also about trying to be real and be vulnerable like this, what does accomplish either? regardless, there’s something curated, something being said and something staying unspoken. there’s only so much that can be said.

again, none of that is the point. the point is… i need to breathe. and it doesn’t make sense for me to say any of this. there’s no reason for the theatrics, the sharing. it’s pointless. it’s all quite pointless. and that’s the point. i think. i say i think quite a lot. because i’m thinking as i’m writing. but yes, that’s the point. none of this matters. which is to say, all of this matters. how we view and interact with social media and the internet and the world are all uniquely personal experiences and this is my reaction to that. i just want to try and change the way i’ve been using the internet. it’s been there for the majority of my life and that’s strange. i’ve been sharing so much for so long and that’s strange too. i don’t think it’s a bad thing per se, but i think we all need limits.

so i’m taking a break once more. just going to chill out, work on my films, enjoy playing board games with my friends, go to concerts, eat good food, be silly on set. but i’m not going to try and publicize every part of that, all the time. i don’t think that’s good for me. i think i want to experience more and selfishly keep that to myself. keep it to my close friends. keep it to photo albums. keep it to secret blogs that aren’t so secret because i decided to share the link with everyone. but kind of are because who reads blogs anymore? i miss that part of the internet. blogs are fun. making this a blog post was a split second decision that i made just now. because i have no idea how to hell i’m going to format any of this for instagram. silly me.

but i’m not disappearing completely. i’ll check in every now and then, mostly for messages, but also to share things that are exciting or, for film releases, which i am planning a few of. stories i’ve made with wonderful people that haven’t been shared yet, for whatever reason. or to just, be silly and goofy. there’s no reason or rhyme. i don’t think there has to be. but i won’t be around as much, that’s for sure. i want nothing more than to keep making films and telling stories. i’m gonna focus on that a bit more, in the writer/director sense. dp sense (??) who knows. camera op sense (??) idk !! i love being part of the camera dept and i don’t think that’s going away soon. but i love to write, which is why i haven’t stopped this. even though it makes less and less sense as i go on.

i need a reset. a little bit of me, in a world where i’ve spread me thin. it’s hard trying to be you in multiple places. i think i also just don’t enjoy it all that much. i hate doomscrolling. it really sucks. i hate the overload of information i consume on a daily basis. i hate comparing myself to others. i hate how cynical i’ve become. how i’m more bitter. how i’m more unkind. i want to just be chill. be more chill (haha get it). ok i’ll stop now. this is embarrassing. but i also don’t care. but i do care a lot also. it’s almost 2am now. i’ve enjoyed this rambling. i think i’m going to blog more. idk. whatever man. see you when i see you. jojo out.